SEDATED

Sedated.

That's what I am. Looking back, I think I am a far cry from what I am back then. From playing tag to hide and seek, pitching a tent made from mattresses at my grandma's place with my cousins, and most importantly, I feel complete.

But now, I am so sedated and ever so lethargic it is like as if I had been shot with a tranquilliser. I just lost interest in everything. My movements were like controlled by Dantalion, my body obeying every twitch and hitch like a marionette. It is like Sloth itself had latched on to me and leeched away my happiness and eat away my heart. Even those around me realise. There's a void in my heart that's waiting to be filled but I just don't know what to pour into it.

Maybe, it is because I am not being myself? All these two-faced bitching and dramas making me feel empathetic towards everyone and everything that comes across me. From close friends to bitter enemies. We used to be say "Hi!" and smile whenever we meet and laugh and hug and shop together but now we could barely be able to look at each other's face.

Or maybe it is because I have kept so many things hidden in my Pandora's Box, and I don't dare to reveal it to other people. Maybe it is the fear. Of being jeered. Shunned. Laughed at. Maybe this is the demon that is tormenting me. That made me scared to speak up. To show my true feelings. My true potential. I might appear frank and tactless at times, but I think my true feelings are really deep inside beneath this thick crust of deception.

Or it could be my upbringing; with my rather conservative parents and all. Fashion is gay. Be an engineer. Or even better, a lawyer. Don't play soccer or you will injure yourself. Don't do this. Don't do that.

Life is not just skipping through the Elyssian Fields, I know that.

But then again, life is not one huge hellhole either.

My true nemesis; me.

No one can help in this internal strife inside me. This raging war. Deceit. Denial. Secrets. Lies. Lots of people putting me down. Only I can save myself. I am my own salvation. From the leeching Sloth to Dantalion the Puppet master. From my personal demons and this dark Lucifer-ied version of me manifesting in the void, pouring dark desires and sowing forbidden fruits.